Aviation Humour:

American Pilot Announcement (download as mpeg)


"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.." "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."


A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff".


There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah", the pilot remarked, " the dreaded seven-engine approach".


One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."


Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


Air India 12:Director, Good Evening, Air India 12, descending FL 90 in the Lambourne hold, Boeing 747.
LHR Director:Good Evening, Air India 12, continue in the hold, confirm you have information "Hotel"?
Air India 12:Say Again?
LHR Director:Confirm you have "Hotel"?
Air India 12:short pause
Air India 12:Negative, I'm staying with friends...


AIRCRAFT MAINTENANCE

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.

DefectLeft inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Action takenAlmost replaced left inside main tire.
DefectTest flight OK, except auto land very rough.
Action takenAuto land not installed on this aircraft.
DefectSomething loose in cockpit.
Action takenSomething tightened in cockpit.
DefectDead bugs on windshield.
Action takenLive bugs on backorder.
DefectAutopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
Action takenCannot reproduce problem on ground.
DefectEvidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Action takenEvidence removed.
DefectDME volume unbelievably loud.
Action takenDME volume set to more believable level.
DefectFriction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Action takenThat's what they're there for!
DefectIFF inoperative.
Action takenIFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
DefectSuspect crack in windscreen.
Action takenSuspect you're right.
DefectAircraft handles funny.
Action takenAircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
DefectRadar hums.
Action takenReprogrammed radar with words.
Defect Mouse in cockpit.
Action takenCat installed.


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